Kat Spray

Guest post by KesslerX

Defined: When a chick (or dude) goes completely overboard to make sure everyone knows that they are associated with the person being sprayed in some form or another. Usually done with the intention of controlling who communicates with a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, or sometimes just a chat buddy on MySpace/Facebook/Twitter. This behavior is considered insecure, childish, and over time has proven to cause anal leakage.

Lets meet the contestants shall we…

The Sprayer - The kniving beeoch with the can of Kat Spray.

The Sprayee - The poor bastard who spends their time wondering WTF!

Since jealousy is such a strong emotion, these attempts are usually very blatant and noticeable. Some of the more common symptoms are:

• The Sprayer posts pics of them and their Sprayee and all of their responsibilities together. This can include kids, pets, vehicles, character drawings, paintings, rubber dog shit, etc. Some of the more serious Sprayers even post sex pics
• The Sprayer always overstates (loudly) what a great time they have with their Sprayee
• Sprayer crashes conversations that are clearly between the Sprayee and a 3rd party.
• In social circles, always insisting that you get in touch with the Sprayee through the Sprayer.
• Deliberately befriending the Sprayee’s opposite sex friends only to slander them enough so the Sprayee will stop communicating with them. If this doesn’t work, the Sprayer may even fabricate stories as they struggle to control the Sprayee.

Some people are very crafty and use much more subtle tactics. Here are some of the more common ones that I’ve encountered

• Sprayer responds to all community conversations with the Sprayee in a positive and flattering manner.
• Sprayer discusses private conversations they have with the Sprayee just to let everyone know they talk in private. This is done to make people think they are a couple, when they really aren’t
• Sprayer spreads rumors about anyone that may be interested in the Sprayee. These rumors are known as “Second Hand Spray”
• Sprayer gives all of their own friends misleading information about the Sprayee and/or 3rd party in an effort to get them to help out in the tagging activities

If you are the victim of Kat Spray it is best to remain calm and head for the exit in a slow and controlled manner. There is no known cure for Kat Spray, but after ditching your Sprayer, the smell generally wears off in 3-6 months.

If you are a Sprayer, this article was written for you. Now everyone will be on to your tactics and will simply point and laugh.

Comings and Goings…

Do you stay with a partner that can’t get or you don’t receive an orgasm from?

Far: First of all, I have yet to know a guy that fails to spread his “love” all over the place. If you have to fake it, you really ought to think only once about why you are still with that person. Anyone that says sex is not that important in a relationship is probably not getting any and you shouldn’t pay a lick of attention to them. I suggest you go back out there and find someone that makes you scream like a banshee until your eyes roll up into the back of your head and you pass out onto the floor like a limp ragdoll afterward. If he doesn’t make you come, it’s time for you to go…

Jen: Not if he wants me to be honest. So..no…sorry dudes..no orgasm, no partner.

TechBabe: Gawd no! What’s the point? Making that O-face is like the nut topper on a cherry sundae. A sundae is not a sundae without the nuts or the cream, for that matter. If you’ve settled with a scoop of vanilla bean, and that does it for you, then you’re good and sorry to hear that. I’m a sundae kinda’ gal.

I’m Going to Jingle Your Bell

Dear Santa…

Far: I know I”ve been a bit naughty this year, but I hope that you’ll keep in mind how nice it was for others. It’s all about giving, isn’t it…? And I’m nothing if not altruistic. Perhaps you should create a new list called “Nicely Naughty” to even things out a bit. Even naughty girls have needs…er, deserve gifts. And, as always, my cookies will be waiting for you…

Jen: I was thinking..I’m kinda over the whole gray man in a red fat suit..can’t you bring me a sexy Santa with rocking abs and tight butt? Really, I don’t need some straight dude that dances in gay clubs with a shaved chest..I just need a hard hot body with blue eyes to bring me my gifts this year..and I will play the good little girl that I am. (Well, I’ll play at least).

TechBabe: Would you mind ringing the doorbell this time so we don’t run into the same situation as last year? (BTW, is the scar still there?) Also, I think you should start a “points” or “rewards” program for your “naughty” list. Then offer a sex toy catalog from which these points could be redeemed. Fuck being nice. It doesn’t get you laid.

Sexiquette

Is there etiquette for past lover pictures, letters, memorabilia when dating someone new?

Far: I’d like to advise men everywhere: Hide it like you hide your porn. Whether it’s the green-eyed monster or just plain ole’ insecurity, no good can come of your newbie checking out your exes. I personally couldn’t care less. For there’s a reason I’m still around… in the flesh…

Jen: Absolutely…have some respect for your present..honor the past, but don’t live in it…respect your present..can I say it one more time…R-E-S-P-E-C-T! And..just keep the past pictures and past relationship shared things out of public view, otherwise it just looks a like a trophy case..or beer cans lined on a country fence ready for aim, fire and well, you get my drift.

TechBabe: Yes. If you’re really hung up on your past or need to keep pics and naughty letters to jack off to when he/she is not around, keep it in a labeled box and in a safe hiding place. The label on my box reads: “ASSHOLES”. Needless to say, I don’t go into the “ASSHOLE” box under my bed to pine over a cock line-up. I keep it just in case I take up voodoo as a practice.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot…

What body parts are cum-free zones?

Far: “You’ll shoot your eye out kid” ← this pretty much says it all. For the love of all that is unholy, not in my EYE! …. “It burns, it BURNS!”

Jen: None…give me the towel, please…

TechBabe:  ”There’s Something About Mary.” Yes, Mary’s got jizz in her hair. Unless your jizz has essential minerals, oils, and humectants, stay the fuck away from my hair! Anywhere else is free game. If you manage to shoot me in the eye, up the nose, or in the ear, then I’d think you were trying to kill me.

When Belly Button Sex Sounds More Interesting

What’s the best thing you can say to a man after he gives a poor performance in bed?

Far: Get out…

Jen: Run..but of course, the guy could always think he did a great performance and be gloating – in this case..say this  “I’m so happy we are going to be just friends and not have sex”. May sound mean to not even acknowledge the bit of encounter you two spent, but it’ll wipe the pompous smirk from his clueless face that screams “I just fucked the shit out her”. I call these kinds of situations – icky.  It’s like running into an uncircumcised penis that doesn’t know how to stay afloat…ick!

TechBabe: “Awww, he’s as cute as a button.” (True story, by the way. I never saw him again. Then again, it’s not like I saw “him” the first time.)

The Worst Form of Self-Abuse…

Could you remain celibate for a year?

Far: Why would I want to…? A woman never has to worry about not getting any…

Jen: I have…so YES by choice…but would I do it again..if there wasn’t anything worth while to do..yah, probably…

TechBabe: If celibacy includes masturbating, then I’d have to say NO. Otherwise, yes. With good cock-replacement, it can be done. For dudes, on the other hand…well, that’s just it. They have the other hand.

Lights, Camera, Action…

My girlfriend won’t let me leave the lights on when I go down on her. What can I do to change that?

Far: Find a new girlfriend… she obviously has way more problems if she can’t even let you look at her hooha during facesitting activities…move on…

Jen: Give her a blindfold and a stiff drink or stiff something or another..she’ll forget the lights even exist.

TechBabe: Maybe she’s afraid of pussy critique. She probably hasn’t been up close and personal with it herself, so the thought of someone else meeting her face to lips could make her pussy go into stage fright. It might take some time.

But if you’re impatient and need to get a look at that pink to get you off, get yourself one of those key chain flashlights. Keep it nearby the next time you go down on her. Leave the lights off and when you send her into oblivion, lights on!!!! I’d suggest a headlamp, but that might be a little too obvious.

Love You Long Time…

Is there a difference between making love and having sex?

Far: Who knows, who cares….just fuck for fuck’s sake…

Jen: Depends how you define, but in my eyes – fuck yeah! Fucking is a sense of two people just having raw sex with no emotional attachment. I’d define making love to someone you are in love with…and, damn that’s yummy!

TechBabe: No. In either case, you’re fucking.

“Making Love” = Fucking with emotion; which, in turn,  fucks you right back,  in the end, anyway.

“Having Sex” = Fucking for fuck’s sake.

(“Making Love.” Who even says that anymore?)

Don’t…Stop…

Is it possible for you to sleep with someone of the opposite sex and not have sex?

Far: Why would you want to…

Jen: Ditto Far… and caller, close your legs…and just maybe…

TechBabe: Yes, according to my married friends.